Are you afraid of feeling uncertain? Well, don’t be. Here’s why

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I always believe that, uncertainty is always a part of your life – that you must be comfortable with, to anticipate it, to be alive of it. Rather than brain dead or soul crushed by it. Surely, it is bad to think positive always of others and situations. It is even bad to be always be thinking negative.

 

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I know, right? Such cruelty. Reason to NEVER sacrifice your passion (and financial freedom) even you are married. Passion is your greatest expression of talent. Even with the presence of a man, let us complete ourselves with passion, while being a great spouse.

Do you feel angry for her? Or sympathy for her unfortunate luck of being cheated and now a divorcee?

Or did you mind just thought of possible ways to help her? Or what she can do to have the better future?

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Why I prefer Feedly over Facebook is that… my timeline is filled with shared viral news and happenings. Unfaithful husbands, careless mothers, bad teachers, cruel fathers – you name it! Most of them are negative news or sad stories like the one above. Wouldn’t it be better if people who share them with additional status of ‘Why it happen and how to overcome’? No point of sharing something for the sake of telling the world that it happen, without a call for action to better up ourselves, or to reach the people that needed help.

Same goes to Metro newspaper. What do you get from reading unfortunate or abusive stories every day? You get judgemental of others and fearful of the uncertainties and doubt yourself.

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‘So yeah.. That happened. Yes, it’s unfortunate. I know, it is because of X, Y, Z, right?

So, now what?

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Looking at this kind of Facebook post, I’m concern of the effect it brings to current or soon-to-be housewives. They would fear bound being victimized, abused, or unloved.

Me? I’m thinking..
What can we do now to be prepared if it does happen?
What then?
What can she do if (that’s a big IF) it did happen?

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Carolyn Boyes in her book ‘5-Minute NLP’, explained that it is best to assume there are always choices available. Assuming that something ‘has to’ or ‘should’ be done, limits our choice and flexibility.

Digging thru the ‘blame frame’,

you will end up with a lot of Whys,

gets you stuck in the past,

and paralyzed in the present,

and blaming someone or something (in this case – blaming ungrateful, cheating husband, that men are all liars and all like that.) Yes, there are times justice needs to be served to bad people or bad situations. Outer people or situations can change or settle, but your mindset and heart? These the main things to keep from resents and grudges.

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Always refer to ‘outcome frame’.

HOW to do now?

WHAT can be done differently to get better outcome?

Open questions leading to getting results. Take outcomes as a mean of feedback – if you doing something not working for you, it does not mean you failed. You succeed achieved results. Hurrah! Just different ones from those you set out to achieve. A feedback on how near you are to an outcome you want.

NLP is more focus on what you do, than what you are.

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She could wipe her tears and ask help from her support system (given she have invested the time, pray, and effort to have them) rather than succumb to depression & suffering for the long haul. She could find a job that get her financed, build it up in 4-8 years, lived free and independent as she ever did!

She could even take time to heal,
To self-love,
To self-sufficient,
To be content,

And perhaps, open her heart to another man. She might fail again in relationship. But what is life if we keep pushing away everything for the fear of the worst? And possibly the blessings of the great?

What makes it impossible for us to overcome our state?

Its ‘pachad’. Fear.

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‘Pachad’, Rabbi Lew explains, is the fear of the phantom, the fear whose object is imagined. Is the over-reactive, irrational fear that stems from worries about what could happen, about the worst-case scenarios we imagine. It’s the adrenaline flowing, panicky thoughts firing. It’s the fear that the plane will crash, it’s the fear kids have about the monster under the bed, and in this case – the fear of being taken for granted, cheated and divorced.

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Tara Mohr did a helpful list of 15 super practical ways for pachad in her book ‘Playing Big’. An important one is this – to follow the endgame. It is about thinking your future possible failure, lost, and ask, ‘okay, what then?’

If worst-case scenario came true, and when you actually thought through it step by step, that path wouldn’t seem so bad. Unfortunately, yes, but it’s good feeling to feel it is manageable. It is the opposite of being negative. Being negative is complaining end results without any possible intention, effort to fix it. Fear paralyses us by threatening the worst-case scenario outcomes, without having us think about what we would do if that outcome occurred.

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When we do imagine how we’d respond, we usually find ourselves in the right balance.

And the balance is resilience.

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Resiliency. Late Al Siebert, PhD, writes that “highly resilient people are flexible, adapt to new circumstances quickly, and thrive in constant change. Most important, they expect to bounce back and feel confident that they will. They have a knack for creating good luck out of circumstances that many others see as bad luck.” Here he uncovers 5 best ways to build resiliency.

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Great career, great spouse. Isnt it a package? One needs the other?’

Larry Smith really nailed this point in his talk on ‘Why you will fail to have a great career’. Uncertainties come and go. It will always have a new issue for you. Surely, what you are bothered a lot of, is what you are concerned a lot of.

Life full of setbacks. See them as opportunities to get new results, not failures. You cant run, or hide. You have to be ready. Let life toughen you up. Don’t bury your head in the sand. Feel liberated. Feel freedom.

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Wondering Why Some People Don’t ‘Walk The Talk’? Here’s Why

Growing up, you will have someone you look up to.

Your parents.

Your eldest brother or sister.

Your favourite teacher.

Your first love.

That someone that you find to be a fine example.

A leader.

So every difficult step you take, you turn to them. Hoping you find comfort, guidance or a thought of ‘How does she do it?’. You seek their two cents. Some are great in helping you out. But for some, the more you know or talk to them, you seem to feel a distant or lose a bit of respect of him or her.

Time and time again, people come and ask me, ‘Why are there such people?’. Rather than generalizing people into stereotypes, I prefer to understand why a person can be that way.

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Nowadays, we are feeling less and less. As Brendon Burchard say, ‘we are showing up unconsciously into the world, in a reactive state, rather than productive, more intentional what we want in our day.’ In this world of self-expressing and self-defining, we want to be perceive as a successful person, a brave hero, a unique human being.

‘I make the mistake of assuming everyone is out there to be the best version of themselves.’ – Dan Voire

Some even go to the extend of generalizing statements to a race, a religion, of any type of group. Its not about being a saint or saying someone it like a devil. I always believe, without realizing, don’t do as they advise other to, it is because either of this:

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1. Busy with OPB

Getting yourself occupied with OPB, Other People’s Business, especially not the people you are not suppose to focus on is a great way of being misdirected leader. For example, when I scroll down my Facebook timeline, I notice I often share good quotes, reminder, or advice. Surely because it have touched me.

But once in a while, I wonder, did I took the time to really sink the message, to re-evaluate myself about it, to really make a change from that ‘touched’ feeling?

Some start out it, but as social media goes, we get side-tracked with the likes, the comments, the praises. Until a point, your sharing have become as just a routine. Reminded in the mind, not touched by the heart.

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2. Focused to what serves you

..rather than what serves others.

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Do you ever had someone who you look up to you, admire you, or simply amazed by you? Hey, special someone or your family doesn’t count! You feel this such good feeling. Call it success, achievement, a boost to your self-esteem. That good feeling pumps you up with this one of the 5 major hormones in your body, called ‘serotonin’: the sense of pride and status, recognition by others, a victory dance, ceremony for you. Stir to it the right place, ‘serotonin’ can be a bond creator, a relationship nurture.

As Simon Sinek put it, this hormone ‘kick’ can be really addictive. Being addicted to the intense good feeling of ‘you are the man!’, may cause you to want more, to achieve more, while slowly neglecting the bond with others, the respect for one another.

There is where you can see people who are perhaps more successful now, betray our trust, neglect our concern. They need more and more. And let astray the actual function of the true objective; to serve others.

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3. Character over knowledge. Always.

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From Amy Morin’s book ’13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do’, there are 5 stages of changes. This is where being a leader, a mentor, or a protector, you really are bound to be flexible as you can. You can’t be doing the same thing, without progress.

Knowing a lot is only half the part of being a leader. Being a lot of good, realistic character is. Character needs to be build by time, thru situations, need much effort and dedication.

‘People are rewarded in public for what they practice for years in private.’ – Tony Robbins

It is not about what he do, what he achieve. Read between the lines. Most of the time, our doubts and disappointments come from less on what one do, but how. How things get done the right way not only speaks results, but shows character.

‘Just going to mosque doesn’t make you a Muslim any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.’

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4. Less empathy being someone with the upper hand

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Jason Marsh elaborated that people with high emotional intelligence (EQ) —people who have a strong ability to identify what they’re feeling and keep their emotions from getting the better of them — can use that skill for good or bad. Having a high EQ, its a powerful state to be in. You can easily be close to someone, be trusted, and also influence them. Having rapport. Mentally strong.

But the misdirected one – uses others for their gain only, mislead or lie to others due to their high confidence and connection that they have for this person. Able to override any guilt or wrong feelings, so people cant ‘read’ his wrongness. They feel powerful because they can control their emotions, control other people’s emotion, manipulate situations, as if they are the center of control.

They are fearless and they are always emotionally ready.

High EQ, but low God-conscious.

But didn’t Allah say, ‘fear nothing, but Me?’. To not feel or be helpless as He is always there, not to surrender your power or succumb to grudge, enemies that attacks you, rejection, tought situation. Not to surrender your power to anything but Allah. He is the Most Powerful, not us. Even if the world surrenders to us. Even when you have a lot of followers with us, trust us, a lot of wealth (nikmat) with us, successful us. There will always be one that we have to surrender to. And that is Allah.

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So, the next time you about to share or advise something, think. Am I actually getting this thru me first? Mind your own business. Feel it in your heart first. Practice it until it is in-tune with your self, your character. Practice the change.

30 Important Things About Uncertainty

A close friend asked me, ‘How did you figured out what’s your Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C are. You were crying real bad just a minute ago!’ I startled. She continued, ‘All my life, I had always follow the flow. I never thought someone life can be so tough.’

What she meant tough was, that I graduated when I was 22, and between the age of 22-25, and these:

  • I had to figure out how to divorce my parents (yes, I spend my after graduate time figuring this out, rather than my career path)
  • how to get a house for my family before the bank confiscate our home
  • to be the strict ‘father’, worrying-about-the-house-finance, & breadwinner in the house
  • how to argue & win fights with men older than me that is destroying (yes, destroying) my life & my family’s, rather than feeling safe & guided by them.

All seems to start with cries, thinking ‘why me?’. Then, I developed emotional lower back pain. Had severe gastric till the point I vomited greenish acid. And the worse part of all, I was alone in all this in the very beginning. I have a lot to do, but zero idea how to go thru them.

I was very uncertain on how I’m going to pull this thru, when it will end, and to who I should talk to – or even trust.

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Those 4 years were really the most uncertain, uncomfortable & stressful phases of my life. Now, I’m almost 26 and I have only 1 thing to say – ‘Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Allah!’

If it wasn’t for all those hard times, I wouldn’t have forced myself to accept & learn things I don’t know, push myself to talk to people about real life problems, to admit that I am far from independent, talked myself into believing that I really needed support system, coached myself to be firm & saying no to those who have been holding me back.

And that was the time I realized, you really got to face uncertainty if you wanna be a leader; a spouse, a parent, a mentor, or a good friend. You got to be strong yourself, before you will ever be strong for others.

If God have given me the choice to go thru them or not, surely I won’t, because I know I wont make it out alive. But, Allah knows our capability much more than ourselves, and all we need to do is;

to be certain in uncertainty.

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So, to answer that question. Why do I made Plan A, plan B & plan C? Because you must always prepare for the worst.

Either you are feeling that uneasiness when you are about to end a relationship, to leave a long friendship, to quit a job. Or the feeling unsure to propose the person you want to marry, to change career path, to go back to school; here’s 30 things about uncertainty that might help:

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Real truth about uncertainty

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  1. There are no guarantees when we step into the unknown. But it is in these periods of discomfort that life’s most important adventures can arise.

2. You’re going to be afraid. That’s not a bad thing, because the times when you’re uncertain and fearful are the times you grow.

3. Without uncertainty, we might never grow because we would never be pushed beyond our comfort zones.

4. No one has it all figured out.

5. Not knowing exactly what will happen next in our lives is okay. In fact, it is actually liberating.

6. We can’t embrace a new uncertain future when we are fully attached to our old lives or an idea of how we think something should be.

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Surrender your control

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7. When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.

8. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.

9. When you feel overwhelmed and you are tempted to take everything into your own hands, you have to make yourself be still. The battle is not yours. The battle is God’s.

10. If you’re dealing with uncertainty, you probably have stress in your body. Release it.

11. Making peace with uncertainty requires courage, faith, and trust that you will in fact be taken care of, that no matter what happens, you’ll find a way through it, that you don’t have to have all of the answers today.

12. ‘Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts’. – Elisabeth Elliot

13. Say ‘I know You have a plan for me. I pray for the direction to follow it, patience to wait on it, and knowledge to know when it comes.’

14. I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen.

15. The ability to let go, not knowing, and not trying to control what will happen next is a necessary skill for living happy, joyous, and free.

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Being certain thru uncertainty

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16. Uncertainty is not the same as fear. Fear is not bad. It’s here to warn you. It’s saying, “This might happen, so plan accordingly.” Don’t just experience fear. Don’t fear uncertainty. Use your fear. Master your fear.

17. When you consider the worst, you can plan how to handle it.

18. The difference between people who do big things and those who have the same ideas but do nothing, is not that successful people are more capable or fearless. They just do it anyway!

19. Action is the antidote to fear.  Do something. Do anything.

20. The quality of our lives is directly related to the amount of uncertainty we can live with comfortably.

21. ‘It’s better to have faith in the uncertainty, than sadly in certainty.’ – Tony Robbins

22. I can’t possibly predict the future, but I can help create it by fostering positive feelings about the possibilities.

23. Belief in experience as feedback leads to an attitude of flexibility and likelihood of more positive emotion.

24. Those who can be most flexible in both thinking & behavior will be most influential.

25. Take the opportunity to feel absolute certain and develop certainty that you can handle almost any problem whatever happens and turns thing around.

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Being a clear leader

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26. Uncertainty is a permanent part of the leadership landscape. It never goes away. Where there is no uncertainty, there is no longer the need for leadership. The greater the uncertainty, the greater the need for leadership.

27. As leaders we can afford to be uncertain, but we cannot afford to be unclear.

28. People will follow you in spite of a few bad decisions. People will not follow you if you are unclear in your instruction. The individual who can communicate the clearest vision, will often be perceived as the leader.

29. Changing the world doesn’t require you to have perfect clarity, but it does require you to express your uncertainty with confidence.

30. Your capacity as a world changer will be determined by how well you learn to deal with uncertainty. But remember, it’s not our responsibility to remove the uncertainty. It’s our responsibility to bring clarity into the midst of it.

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So, there you go! 30 things for us to know & remember when facing the unknown future.

Honestly, by knowing your life or choices are full with uncertainty, the more reason why you should make your goal to pursue Mardhatillah (keredhaan Allah) thru the uncertainty with these things that are already certain;

that Allah will reward you for every little effort you do despite not knowing how to,

for every little good deed you give or think of,

for the patience in facing situations with good attitude,

for accepting what is beyond your control but is in His Knowledge,

for the changes you made which Allah have intended to bring you to a higher level.

Allah will surely stir the world to your benefit and brings you confidence thru the unanswered questions and unsolvable situations.

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So what, if your life’s messy. Perfect isn’t the plan. Purpose is.

6 Reasons Why You Aren’t Really Independent

Seasons of struggle

One time, I was talking with my friend and she said, ‘You are so independent than me. You have done many things by your own. I just look independent. But I don’t. I rely so much to my parents, my family. That’s what makes me stressed up. I feel useless sometimes. I feel that I need to run away from everyone I know. I want to try live on my own. Soon.

I know, your belief in Allah much be so strong. Compared to me…’

I felt this sadness in my heart. I am grateful if I have inspired people to be independent too. But I am not independent. I am in such dependence, begging to Allah for help.

Oh, I begged..

So I said, ‘You know, sometimes I become so ego. There are time I get lost in being independent that made me egoistic. Do you know what it feels like when that happens? You become impatient with people not competent enough, weak or just plain burden others. People take you for granted. People expect so much out of your independence.

It is challenging from where I am standing too.’

An independent mind is a dangerous mind. Not that there is something wrong of being independent. It deserves a clap! Being good in trouble shooting, instant courage, confident stride, influential leading, better emotional handling. We constantly want to be better than yesterday, even than now.

But sometimes, we get caught up with topping off other people, and maybe also putting off God. Because we want to be ultimately independent & free. But you will know, there are things you really need the help from Him, faith in Him, mercy of Him, love by Him.

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Reasons you can never be independent by your own:

1. Things have been determined from the very start

When I was working in sales, and has been days without a sale, I was frustrated, tired, and start throwing things (yes, I have a temper). People doing sales must know how anxious and pressured it feels not meeting your target and seems like things really not going your way. I adjusted here and there. I asked for tips. Reminding myself why I need the money.

Anything to turn things around.

In desperation, I came across this:

‘Jika Allah dah tetapkan sesuatu untuk hambaNya, walau seisi dunia ingin menghalangnya,pasti juga ia jadi milik dia. Jika Allah dah tetapkan sesuatu bukan untuk hambaNya, walau seisi dunia membantunya, pasti juga ia tidak memilikinya.’

Phew, weight lifted! So, from that time, any day I found myself stuck with zero sales, I will leave my desk, go somewhere quiet, take deep breaths, sit & reread this text. Reading this give me a sense that I should surrender the right outcome to Him and just do my best. As soon as I talk to the next client, I made my sale. Every time.

There is not even a single effort that we can do entirely by our own without using His blessings.

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2. Life is full with uncertainty

‘Jangan katakan ‘jika aku lakukan begini, pasti akan berlaku begini.’ Tapi aku buat begini dan aku berserah pada Allah keputusannya.’

Have you had a day like nothing is going right? Your car’s battery died. You get yelled at. You laptop doesn’t work.

If I do this, I’ll get this. If I study hard, I’ll get flying colours. If I bring my A game, I’ll get this sale. If I show that I love him, he will change. Being positive is good, but without His permission, even a well thought plan can go wrong or failed.

We always need to plan for the best or worse. But with understanding that God has His plans for us, even it goes another way that we attended, we are ready and open for the best or worse that could happen.

If you have listen to Tony Robbins, he always highlights the importance of embracing uncertainty or taking that leap of faith. Getting married. Changing jobs. Leaving someone. These are times you fear most because you can’t figure out what is going to happen next. There is no guarantee. You can choose to stay in certainty, but that is just not living.

They talk about law of attraction, where when you think positive & hardly of something, the universe will surely give it to you soon. What is actually ‘the universe’? You guess it right; its God.

Having sudden pain or illness also proofs you that God can really be in control of your life in just a split second.

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3. Love doesn’t conquers all

My friend and I have this belief that against all odds, we become best friends because Allah have linked us. The idea of a strong friendship, partnership, leadership, marriage with your sole effort is missunderstood.

Sesungguhnya Engkau mengetahui bahawa hati-hati ini telah berhimpun kerana mengasihi-Mu, bertemu untuk mematuhi-Mu, bersatu memikul beban dakwah-Mu, hati-hati ini telah mengikat janji setia untuk mendaulat dan menyokong syari’at-Mu. Maka eratkanlah Ya Allah akan ikatannya, kekalkan kemesraan antara hati-hati ini, tunjuklah kepada hati-hati ini akan jalannya (yang sebenar), …….’ – Doa Rabithah

Love doesn’t conquer all. Allah does. Allah links them, bind them or even collides them. You can have blood ties, but still feel like from different family trees. You can be in different continents but have the time, fun and real connection.

Love is a absolutely a blessing from God. As The Prophet said about his beloved wife Khadijah, ‘I was blessed with her love’ (Riwayat Muslim). Having a wife, husband, child or bestfriend is no guarantee to have His blessing to love & be loved. One who have these blessings is bliss.

Souls get along well .

4. Your support system, mentors and loved ones was sent to you

I truly believe how important it is have support system for them to be go thru life. I forgot to tell them, support system is a blessing from Allah too. Have you met people that wants you around but you just cant seem to be friends with?

Expecting solely on one person to always be there for you will brings you disappointment, regrets and hurts. Expecting you can survive only with Allah will also leave you lonely, short-handed and short-sighted.

As Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, ‘Solitude is better than an evil companion; and a good companion is better than solitude.’ Believing that every support system that comes and sticks by you is sent by Allah will make you grateful and dependent more to Him.

Help someone answer person's prayer thru you .

5. Trials by Allah throws you off the ground (but just enough to stand back on your feet)

All of us have been thru a phase where we really feel that how can we ever get thru this? Its beyond our strength and knowledge. Little do we know, Allah already know from the start, we are capable to get thru it. The fact that Allah knows the right test to give you, shows how independent He is.

Have we as parents, older sibling, mentor try to modul a test to make children, younger ones, mentees to grow. But sometimes we push the wrong buttons or weak points. We wouldn’t know for sure. But Allah can.

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6. Intuition is your life saver

Talking about uncertainty, the only way to get thru uncertain things is to know it or feel it. ‘Follow your heart’, they say. That gut feeling or intuition. And intuition comes from your soul.

Soul is a way Allah talks to you. It is an unexplainable knowledge or feeling. You listened and talked to yourself, grasping some insights within. And that is iman. Iman means believe, confidence. Courage is found with high confidence, with high iman.

Intuition.

Independence is not without God. Its a great dependence to the one & only Al-Ghaniyy (The Independent), utilizing all what He have given us with deep gratitude.

Independent means having the ability to stand on your own feet. So, who gave you your feet? Be humble.

It is easy to cry, bow down & beg to Allah when you are down & low. The real challenge is to feel & do the same when you are high & fly. Be open to be dependent to each other. But no dependence can be harmonious and work out without Him in the picture. Have total dependence to Allah.

A prayer cannot come from an egoistic heart. Prayer test us how deeply we ask for what we want, or it is just a wish without real meaning and full-hearted. Prayer will kill a hypocrite heart.

Question is: What should you do when you know you will never quite be independent?

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